Christine Keeler and Jeff Gannon: do not disturb the sexy*

(Christine Keeler, c. 1963. Photo by Lewis Morley.)

Call me naive--most people do--but I'm convinced that the typical American on the streets is far less politically-obsessed than cable news, talk radio or the internet(s) would have us believe. The average self-proclaimed "conservative" probably isn't in favor of eliminating all taxes and repealing child labor laws; the average self-proclaimed "liberal" is unlikely to support the forced conversion of every Wal-Mart into an green organic co-op. (At least, this is the average on my street; your street may vary.)

However, I'd bet my house on the average American being a tiny bit sexually-obsessed, especially when the sex involves a side dish of political intrigue. Scandals involving gorgeous young nobodies and powerful corrupt politicians are as old as Caesar, but the Profumo affair of 1963 remains the most stylish one of recent times. How many sex scandals generate photography worthy of the Victoria and Albert Museum? The semi-young nobody (Jeff? Jim?) at the center of the current American contretemps posed for a few nudes that are, shall we say, a little less likely to make the curator's cut. As usual, retro is better.

A look at the past also shows that in the end, the gorgeous young nobodies tend to return to nobody-dom, either by choice (as in Miss Keeler's case), or by virtue of public fatigue. The media attention inevitably shifts to the corruption itself--possible spying, allegations of illegal propaganda, security lapses, lying under oath and the like. Absent a bit of soul searching and a graceful retreat from the limelight, the sexy-person-du-jour almost always becomes 1) a "beleaguered victim of bad publicity", 2) a "survivor", 3) an "aspiring celebrity" and--if they haven't wised up and gone the "graceful retreat" route by then-- 4) a "potential housemate on The Surreal Life ". Yikes.

How predictable is this slippery slope? It's time for a pop (culture) quiz:

Jeff, Monica or Christine?

All of the quotes below can be attributed to either "Jeff Gannon", Monica Lewinsky or Christine Keeler. A few are too easy (Christine Keeler would be unlikely to speak about the White House), and some have ellipses to replace giveaway nouns and pronouns. Answers can be found in the comments section below (pops up.) No fair Googling. Have fun!

1."...I'm hoping that fair-minded people will stand up and say that what's been done to me is wrong...[w]hy should my past prevent me from having a future?"

2. "Even a criminal has the right to a new life..."

3. "I didn't know it was a crime in Washington for people -- for you to want people to like you and so I was friendly. And I guess I wasn't supposed to be."

4. "But what was -- what's been done to me is far in excess of what has ever been done to any other...that I could remember. My life has been turned inside out and upside down."

5. "...I thought it was probably appropriate to align myself with the President's side, being that that's whose side I was on and there was no question in my mind."

6. "Discretion is the polite word for hypocrisy."

7. "No one else knows the whole story. I was there. I lived through it…[if] I don’t tell it all now, the story in the history books will always be imperfect and that would be wrong.

8. "I've always been a date-oriented person and I had a--probably a habit of circling dates...when I either talked to the President or saw him."

9. "I have probably one page for each day at the White House, about 200 pages of stuff. Is it all interesting? Probably not. But it could be [a book]."

A book. Sigh. Everything old really is new again.

* Allow me to be the last to use this tired, aged meme. On the off chance you don't recognize this silly phrase, click here. (I think we missed one swingin' shindig...darn it.)